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| Godzilla takes time out from destroying a city to play with kids. |
Godzilla, the reclusive radioactive monster who has risen to incredible fame and misfortune around the world - but particularly in hapless Japan, has long been the focus of multiple film documentaries that have spawned an industry for the oft-ravaged country.
Japan... if it's not the rampaging monsters, it's typhoons, tsunami, earthquakes, volcanoes, nuclear accidents and sumo fixing! Still, the Godzilla documentaries have been a keen way for the country to make financial amends... to grow its economy, if you will.
And it's not just the movies. It's the manga/comic books, television programs, action figures, plush dolls and tee-shirts. This blog's favorite tee-shirt is : "I SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk! Godzilla" No one knows what it means, though academics feel it may be, when translated in to Japanese, a complex and emotional haiku. Unfortunately, there is no direct lizard to Japanese translation for "SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!"
Regardless: Here is part 1 of Japan - It's a Wonderful Rife's (JIAWR) interview with the radioactive lizard.
JIAWR: So, Godzilla... it's a pleasure to be talking with you. I've been a fan of you and your great movies ever since I was a child.
God: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You're making me out to be ancient or something! Ha-ha! SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!
JIAWR: Ha-ha! So, Godzilla, may I call you Godzilla?
God: Please, please. Call me Mr. Godzilla.
JIAWR: What? Uh... okay... uh... Mister Godzilla... our fans are all wondering...
God: Gotcha! SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk! You don't have to call me 'mister'. I'm a freaking lizard! A lizard! Who ever heard of a lizard being called 'mister'!
JIWAR: Ha-ha! You did indeed get me! Okay... 'Zilla...
God: 'Zilla? Please... that's a little overly-friendly, don't you think?
JIAWR: Ha-ha-ha!
God: ...
JIAWR: ... oh... crap!... Sorry! You were serious!
God: Look, can we get to the gist of things? I have an 8:30 meeting in Tokyo.
JIAWR: ...
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| A stunt-double pees on the Hollywood Walk of Fame Star. |
JIAWR: (Whew!) So, Godzilla... can you tell us about your early years?
God: I was born out of radioactive fire.
JIAWR: I meant before that...
God: Before... ? Really? You don't want to know about what I'm doing now? Yeesh. Are you sure you're a real journalist? I've squashed better reporters than you by accident, you know. Okay... whatever... I don't remember much of my early life as an egg. I guess you could say I lived a shell-tered life.
JIAWR: ....
God: You may laugh...
JIAWR: Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
God: SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!
JIAWR: Holy crap that was loud!
God: Being King means never having to say you are sorry.
JIAWR: You sound like my wife.
God: SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!
JIAWR: Owtch.... So you were an egg? Does that mean that you had super-sized monster parents, too? Why haven't we seen them?
God: I did have super-sized parents, but to be honest... they weren't any where the size of myself. You see, they were dinosaurs from your prehistoric time.
JIAWR: Ha-ha! Everybody feels their parents are dinosaurs!
God: ...
JIAWR: Uh... go on, please...
God: As I was saying, my parents were dinosaurs and had me. I was an egg and then I hatched and was a dinosaur too... but then... something happened... a bright light from the sky flashed... and as I watched the world I knew burn around me, I was covered by a fiery green cocoon... and I began to change within it.
JIAWR: So that is how you became so huge? Some sort of light from the sky caused you to grow? That sounds contrived.
God: Meh... those were simpler times. Any how... I think that's how it all began. How the hell should I know? Back then I was a bloody dinosaur... and a young one at that! Do you know how large the dinosaur brain was? Some of them had a brain no larger than the size of a walnut! How would I know what the hell I was doing? This is just some guesswork on my part! Look... all I know is that back then, I was a pre-programmed killing machine...
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| A nice light snack. |
God: Today? Today I make reservations - or rather I have people who do that for me. Any who, that green cocoon enveloped me and I believe put me to sleep. For millions of years.
JIAWR: And then you woke up...
God: Did I, Andrew? Did I really? Maybe I am only dreaming of you... and when I wake up, you will cease to exist. I am the Red King!
JIAWR: You don't look red...
God: Am I surrounded by illiterates? Have you never read Alice in Wonderland? It's the best damn book out there!
JIAWR: Really?
God: (chortling) Sometimes I pretend I am the Jaberwocky and I kill the beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
JIAWR: I know the book... but aren't the Red King and the Jaberwocky poem actually from the sequel - Through The Looking Glass?
God: SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk! That was a test! You passed! I like you! Just for that I won't kill you by toppling a high-rise upon you at the conclusion of our interview.
JIAWR: Wow! Thanks, Godzilla! Now I see why they voted you King of the monsters!
God: Uh... you don't get voted the king of the monsters... look, never mind... I was asleep in a weird cocoon under the ocean when some atomic blasts woke me up. I have to admit that being asleep for millions of years and then being rudely awoken... I mean, I have always been a bear when I wake up, but this was one hell of a long sleep! I guess I was ultra cranky and so I took it out on the people of Japan who woke me up.
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| Random violence in Tokyo. |
God: Of course they did! I felt two large pops days apart that aroused me from my slumber! With my keen Godzilla-sense, I felt that both atomic pops were in Japan!
JIAWR: I think what you felt were two atomic blasts - bombs dropped by the United States of America on Japan in an effort to bring about the end of World War II. But how could that be? Those bomb blasts were a full nine years before you first re-appeared in 1954!
God: I slept for millions of years! What's nine years for me to actually wake up and roll out of bed?
JIAWR: Oh...
God: Hey... what was it you just said? Are you trying to tell me that Japan didn't actually wake me up?
JIAWR: Maybe... those two atomic bombs blew up two Japanese cities irradiating them.
God: Sounds like something I would do! SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk! But you say Japan didn't wake me up? That it was really the U.S.?
JIAWR: Uh... yes?
God: So... I've been unfairly taking my sleepy-head frustrations out on the island of Japan for no reason?! That I should have been taking it out on the United States instead?!
JIAWR: Yes?
God: Oh well... my bad. SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!
End of Part 1.
In the next installment, we will look at the early years of Godzilla's rampage(s) through Japan... which it now appears was all a misunderstanding by the big guy.
Excerpts of the interview:
"Oh myself! I feel so terrible!"
"SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!"
"I really do love children - with barbeque sauce!"
"Being followed around by a camera crew really cut into my action with the lady lizards!"
This and more in Part 2, out next week.
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