Pants Burn Calories

Got a fat ass?

Want to get rid of it? Hey, it's an honest question. Some people are comfortable in their skin.

Should you want to have a more shapely butt, might Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife suggest the MXP Calorie Shaper Pants.

Now... your old pal Andrew still has a wonderfully-shaped butt that you could bounce a ¥50-coin off of, but even he thinks these boxer briefs sound cool.

I have no idea if they really work or not, but here in Japan, for about ¥2,500 (~Cdn/US $32), you can find out and let us know for sure if these pants can burn calories.  

From the makers of the MXP Calorie Shaper Pants, the shorts contain a special resin coating that makes them stiff. I can think of better ways to make my shorts stiff (and I do, constantly), but who am I to argue? Anyhow... this extra stiffness in the shorts means there is greater resistance to move within them. This means you burn calories as you move in your shorts.

I'm not sure if that means (for men), that every time we get a woody and it's difficult to walk, we are burning calories? If so, I wouldn't mind a work-out or 47!

Anyhow... the company offers this as an example of how well the MXP Calorie Shaper Pants work: a 140-pound man walking 90 minutes a day while wearing these pants can burn off the equivalent of half a liter of beer in one week.


Really? Why does a 140-pound man think he needs to lose weight? 

Let's see... beer contains 400 to 500 calories per liter of beer on average. So... let's take the low number... 400 calories per liter... and since the ad talks about half a liter... we only need to burn off 200 calories. 

So... uh... despite my Indian background, math is a bitch! I guess I'm more Canadian (yay!)... if I walk 90 minutes x 7 days - that's 630 minutes (or 10.5 hours), I will lose 200 calories.

Really? I suppose I could just not have that beer. Then when I wear the MXP Calorie Shaper Pants I could actually lose weight. Or... is it just the walking that is helping me lose weight. Hell... I suppose the resin resistance in the shorts does play a part in the burning of calories, but I'm going to guess that the part it plays is very little.

Want to lose weight? To quote from one of my favorite comic strips ever: Bloom County: "Eat less and exercise." What the hell... if you wear these shorts, it will help you lose the weight quicker. How much quicker is open to debate.

And check out the guy in the photo above hawking the MXP Calorie Shaper Pants. I'm sorry, but he doesn't look like he's ever had a half-liter of beer. And what's with the stupid mustache? Cripes... maybe he need you to buy these shorts so he can afford a better look for himself.

The 1980s called. They want their ad back.

To sum up, yes I've been riding this product's lean ass. But, theoretically, it should help you burn a calorie two quicker than if you weren't wearing the pants. While Japan's obesity problem is growing (we blame the gajin/foreigners!), only about 5-per cent of the population is considered obese, while 35 per cent of Americans are obese.

I hope they make these pants in XXXXL.

Somewhere flexing my ass (it really is quite nice),
Andrew Joseph