The Shape I'm In

It's Thursday, October 24, 1991. I'm an assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme here in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan.

I've been here for 15 months and I know the ropes. I know how to do my job efficiently and effectively... it doesn't mean I do it well... just that I know how to appease the masses. That's not true. I'm well liked by the Japanese because I do my job - don't whine about it and have a personality they only often see on their television.

I think I throw them. I'm not unique by acting like this... my buddy Matthew does this too... however, I may be a little more out there... you know... out where the buses don't run...

Unlike Matthew... I'm starting to not LOOK like the average Westerner, rather than the good-two-shoes Westerner. Matthew for all of his playful weirdness... he always seemed to be like the goo-looking Richie Cunningham from Happy Days and Archie Andrews from the Archie comic books. Probably because he has strawberry blonde hair that borders on red. He looks pretty straight despite being bent.

Me... I'm like the beer bottle caps: formerly bent, now twisted. I've grown my hair... grow a beard when the urge hits me... and I've hit on anything in a skirt that looks like it will hit back... surprisingly enough... that's a lot of women here.  Pretty good for a guy who back in Toronto couldn't get a woman to look at him if he was on fire. Well, guess what Canada? Guess who's on fire now? Hmmm... that still makes me look bad... okay... look at me now Canada - I'm on fire, but in a different way.

Ahhhh, effing ego. I'm trying to boink one woman, am interested in getting back with my ex (whom I still boink when we feel like it), and I'm boinking a Japanese lass who is crazy about me... only I fear she may be more than crazy about me... just plain crazy... which is too bad... I'd marry her.. but I don't think I want to be the husband of a crazy woman. Crazy in bed, sure... but... still... it's nice to have options...

Damn, I hope I have options.

It's an easy day at Chikasono Chu Gakko (Chikasono Junior High School). I have three classes all in the morning... eat lunch with the students for the second day in a row - ha! This is a first for me at this school! I thought I should be doing this all the time... let the kids know that gaijin (foreigners) are just like them, and aren't just boring old teachers!

Despite a pleasant day of chatting with the students through lunch and after... I feel really, really tired. Exhausted even.

I ask to go home early, arriving back at my 3-bedroom, L-D-K, apartment with the west and north balconies - and go to bed. By myself. To sleep.

Of course... I forget to unplug the telephone from the wall.

There are nine phone calls - five from fellow gaijin, and two from a Nihonjin (Japanese person)... how do I know... I don't have an answering machine (hate'em!) and there's no such thing as call display here in Japan. Well, y'see... when a foreigner calls say... anybody... they let the phone ring seven or eight times tops! A Japanese person... that bugger will let it ring over 20 times.

It's true! My place is huge by Japanese standards... and hell, I think it's huge by Canadian standards... but how long do they think it would take for me to move from one room to another to answer the phone? I'm not slow. And... if I'm busy... I'm busy... stop bloody ringing!

Anyhow... I finally get up to answer the 10th caller. It's Matthew. He's a bit of an anomaly, as mentioned earlier. I think he's turning Japanese (I really think so). That bugger rang my phone 11 times! before I answered it. I was in the washroom... and I didn't hear the phone. 

Anyhow.. after chatting for 16 seconds (or about 4 rings of the phone), we end our conversation amicably so that I can go back to sleep... which I do until 10PM.

I get up, eat some food, go to bed and then race back to the washroom.

I feel sick! I never get sick! What the heck is going on here?

Somewhere driving the porcelain bus,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by The Band:

With Or Without You

It's Wednesday, October 23, 1991 here in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. It's pretty chilly outside, but this is my second autumn here, and I'm from Toronto, so the weather doesn't really bother me - at least not enough to whine about.

This week, I'm visiting the small, old school called Chikasono Chu Gakko (Chikasono Junior High School), one of the city's seven middle schools I visit each week.

This place, has always been a strange one for me. Everyone is nice at this school surrounded by rice and corn fields - it's like I'm stuck in a cereal box! - but they aren't completely, over the top nice... kind of what I am used to getting from every other school but one (Kaneda Kita Chu Gakko - where the teachers are great, a few students, too... but the rest make me sad and angry).

That's why I am surprised that I had fun at school today. The students were all genki (fine and energetic), the English classes were boisterous, the students were even interactive with myself and the other teachers... so it sucks when I have to get driven home early because there's a teachers meeting! Sucks... but I like my free time!

By the way... I had brought my Japanese red maple leaf bonsai tree to school As I am sure most of you are aware, a bonsai tree is the dwarfing a regular-sized tree via pruning and tree binding... wrapping limbs with copper wire to bend it to the desirable form of one's choosing.

I call bonsai, tree bondage, and find that it turns me on.

Anyhow, perverse musings aside for the nonce, Uetake-san (pronounced ooh-eh-tah-kay) looks at the pathetic tree of mine and proclaims: "Not enough water."

Actually, he says it in Japanese, and I need a proper translation from anyone... fortunately the caretaker (ie janitor) is there and provides that. How is it that the guy with the worst academic school record can provide a Japanese to English translation before anyone else in that damn office - including the Japanese teacher of English who was lost in his own thoughts about how to soup up his car.

Anyhow... I tell Mr. Uetake that I water my bonsai tree everyday.

He sticks a finger into the enamel pot, pulls up a root, snaps it between two fingers and says: "Too much water."

This he says in English.

Crap.

But through further translation from the janitor, I learn that the roots are rotting out and that my bonsai tree will probably die.

I go home and stare at my bonsai tree until Ashley comes over.

We're supposed to go to kyu-do (Japanese archery) lessons today, but we don't feel like it... after all... I have a fake cracked rib courtesy of an Ashley-thrown sake (Japanese fermented rice wine) shot glass - and Ashley is just a lazy bitc... no... I won't complete that thought.

So... Ashley and I sit in my toasty warm apartment and talk and kiss.

It seems that mutual friend Karen (who likes me and wants me for a boyfriend) had asked her friend Ashley (who is my ex-girlfriend with benefits) whether or not we are still sleeping together.

Ah... that must have been why I was yelled by Karen on Monday evening.

Ashley truthfully told Karen that we hadn't slept together in a month. Crap. Has it been that long? Oh well... thank goodness for all of the other women I've been sleeping with.

I've been here in Japan for 15 months now... and while I arrived here with no knowledge of the country, including social customs or language, and was a virgin, I am now confident enough to know I can sleep with damn near any Japanese women I choose... or any woman I choose, for that matter.

Chalk it up to 'desperation breeding tiny monsters', but back in 1990 and 1991, I chose poorly. That's something I hope to rectify in the future.  

Anyhow... I don't get total sex, but like talking, there is some oral satisfaction.

I reassure her that all of the crap from the past is past (like hell) and that I am here for her.

She trusts me again, and as a sign of good will I give her almost all of the booze in my place. It would have been all of it, but her backpack was stretched to overflowing... 

In keeping with the evening, I don't ride her home, and collapse into my Queen-sized bed feeling very tired.

By the way... she left at 2AM. What the hell? I'm the one that can stay up that late...  she's usually toast by 10AM or earlier! I guess she doesn't have work tomorrow.

But I do. Crap!

Somewhere I can't see the trees for the forest,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is performed by U2, of course.

Bad Side Of The Moon

 Hi there... for all of you new readers out there, this blog alternates depending on my mood between true snippets of my life in Japan, real news stories about Japan, and weird observations I have about Japan. Often all mixed up together. I've been doing this for over two years now, and I've enjoyed every minute of creating Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife for you. Thank YOU for reading it. But... and I enjoy the word but, if you would help spread... the word, I guess is the word, to gather more sheep to the flock, I would appreciate it. Ego, you know.

Oh... one more thing... stories about ME, have a rock and roll song title for a title. Not all of these stories have me looking good. But, I am an honest man. At least I am now.

It's Tuesday, October 22, 1991 in the land of Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. Full disclosure - this is my life. I was born in London, England to Indian parents (dot, not the feather), and grew up in Canada - Toronto, specifically. There's nothing remotely Indian or English about me, except the color of my skin and a love of Monty Python and soccer (to play, not watch).

I'm an assistant English teacher (AET) on the Japan Exchange & Teaching (JET) Programme, and I teach at all seven junior high schools in this city, once per week, team-teaching with a Japanese teacher of English.  

This week, I'm at Chikasono Chu Gakko (Chikasono Junior High School)... a small, old school deep in the heart of some farming country here in Ohtawara. No surprise there. Ohtawara translates into Big-Rice Field-Field. Lots of fields of rice.

So I'm sitting at my desk in the teacher's office at Chikasono, when the Principal comes over to me and asks in English, no less: "Do you know 'chikan'?

It just so happens that last week I learned that 'chikan' means 'molester'. What the Hell would he ask me that?

Hmmm... it must be some other Japanese word that sounds the same but has a different meaning - a homonym.

I look him directly in the face, scrunch up an eye and an eyebrow and say, "Tabun (maybe)".

Kouchou-sensei (Principal) utters: "Peeping Tom-u."

"Ah yes! I know"... I probably shouldn't have smiled.

Still, he scurried away and talked to a few other teachers... each of whom slowly turned to look at me.

Christ... now what did I do? All I did was boink a university student in a classroom at Utsunomiya University. She was in her 20s (Junko!!!).

Ah... maybe I didn't do anything... the Japanese always seem fascinated that I seem to know what they are talking about. Hmm... I guess I do. I must be getting the hang of this Japan-living....

No more is said to me about 'chikan'. I'm curious, but am afraid that being too curious will kill this cat. I'll let it slide and hope someone - perhaps a Japanese English teacher - will soon bring up the point.

No one does. Then again, maybe this had something to do with me being in the men's room at this school last year. Back when a female student walked by the room that has no door and called out a friendly greeting to me. Perhaps I should have waved with a different hand. True story.

Back home, I race out to the Ohtawara video shop and rent two horror movies and watch until my eyes bleed.

Karen Irwin... a cute, bubbly redhead from North Bay, Ontario, Canada (and a high school AET on JET) calls again.

She yelled at me about something yesterday evening. I think she knew I was still sleeping with my ex, Ashley (also a high school AET). Karen likes me a lot and wants me for a boyfriend. I don't want a girlfriend, but I do want the sex. If I had a girlfriend, I would also lose the sex from Ashley... and Junko... and I wouldn't want to lose that.

Today, it's small talk.

After we hang-up, Ashley calls and says sorry for cracking my ribs with the chucked sake (Japanese fermented rice wine) shot glass.

I made that story up. The part about getting hurt. Ashley did hit me with the glass, but I'm Magnificientguy... I mean Superman! It just bounced of me. I lied to elicit sympathy. I can be so immature sometimes. Oh well. It worked.

Apparently Karen told her. I must have told her last night, but I was sooo tired I had no recollection of doing so. Damn. I'm such a dick. But will it get me laid?

Somewhere wondering what Tom was peeping at,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by April Wine - hey! I saw them in concert, too!

Holiday In Cambodia

It's Monday, October 1991... here in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. Hopefully the reader will excuse your humble writer (mostly humble) that I seem to be in a bit of a rut here in my 15th month month in the country. I team-teach English at seven junior high schools here in this modest city I call home.

I love Ohtawara-shi. That's not at question. It's probably because I feel so at home here that I feel as though I am in a bit of a rut. Aside from women-troubles (here in 1991 and 2011), work has become work... and I hate that feeling.

I'm at Chikasono Chu Gakko (Chikasono Junior High School) this week for four days. Friday is usually spent at the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) offices where I get caught up on paperwork for them, write letters, create short stories and create a monthly column for a JET (Japan Exchange and Teaching) Programme newsletter for other English teachers here in Tochigi-ken and in a few others as well. It's A Wonderful Rife has become popular even if I don't feel that way about myself.

 Lo and behold... today at Chikasono, I actually did something at school! Usually I stand around around and do nothing... but today, I had a lot of interaction with the students. Although today, it was IN class and not outside of it... still it was a great  start to my
week.

Of course it may have been because the OBOE kyoikuinkai (the office) came by with the PTA to watch and review another class of mine. Hell, today we used a word game I created - and it went well. I feel needed!

At home I watch the rest of Psycho 3 that I had rented and the ride my bicycle out to night school that I teach on the side for the Ohtawara International Friendship Society. 

My adult students are getting better at speaking English, though they do sometimes forget the fundamental basics of English. That's okay... that's all a part of learning, and I find their enthusiasm catching.

I go to the video store and return my movie and rent another and crash watching it.

Karen Irwin, a woman on the JET Programme I like but seems to really like me calls and then yells at me about something.I'll be honest... I'm too tired and bored to note what she is yelling at me about and let her rant for a few minutes before I hang up.

Welcome to Ohtawara-shi, Andrew Joseph. This is your rife.

Somewhere wondering how deep a rice paddy actually is,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by The Dead Kennedys. Video below.